Long journey to healthy

Ive just recently decided to publish this blog that has, in many ways, been a private journey through my struggles with illness and my weight.   The struggle has been ongoing long before the Internet existed; I think I may have been "normal" sized at age 10.  After that, just fat.   In many ways I have gone up and down with my struggles, like most people do.   I have been smaller and huge, but never "normal" weight as an adult.    I came close after my mom died; weighing in at 190, but that was a result of trauma, and not eating for about six months.  Im not sure what kept me alive at that time, but it certainly wasnt all of the beer I was drinking.   I was the smallest Ive been as an adult, and very very unhealthy.    Shortly after I got pregnant, and gained a whopping 70 pounds during that nine months.   Today my baby is nineteen, and I am about at what I weighed when I gave birth.  ...

That above number may be an exaggeration, but Ill tell you,  Im not ever giving up.  I need to remember that there are so many things that have changed mentally and internally for me that you just dont see on the outside. I got down to 256 about a year ago and have gone back up to 286 again.  Ridiculous and wayy too much.   Ive also noticed difficulty moving around like I want to.  CrossFit alone isnt going to do anything if I don't get my diet in check.   So, lets do this!!  I would love to be at 250 by mid May for my girls trip.   CrossFit has changed me so much.  I am so much more mentally strong that I ever have been and I am able to for the most part, keep that inner voice quite when she gets negative.  (Inner hater, I call her).   That inner hater is reinforced by people that have wronged me, and negative life experiences.   Well, shes an idiot.   That inner hater.  I have don...

I had another blog that I never shared with anyone out of shame.  After going back and reading some old posts, one thing is clear, I am just not going to give up.  I will eventually get there, someday. Its so easy to get lost in the failures and roadblocks.   To let life and trauma and things get in the way.  To take care of everyone else except yourself.  To allow that inner voice to continue to repeat messages you were told as a child, that are false.   But, despite everything, I am a fighter and will continue to fight.  However, this time Im fighting for me.  I really want to get healthy and become the person that I know is hiding inside.  Maybe some accountability will be helpful.  I hope to inspire and help others too.  I have gotten inspiration from so many people out there. Welcome, and here we go!!!

So after eating like the world was going to end for two months (Tgiving and Christmas), I am now back on the bandwagon.  Im going to have to accept that the holidays are my weakness and work really hard the rest of the year, lol!!! I seriously ate whatever I wanted for those two months.  We started this two month challenge at the box on January 2, and I can tell you that first two weeks of detoxing/changing are hell, but this last week and a half have been hell.  I AM SO FUCKING GODDAMN TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The first time we did a challenge I did whole 30 which is so limiting and doesn't allow you to have much of anything, so this time we chose paleo this time.  I was really tired last time the first two weeks also.  In an act of support (put your jaw back) , he is doing it to.  However, it makes him uber grumpy and we arent really speaking at this point, but thats another post. Anyway, this is day 10 and I am still effing tired....

This is always such a bittersweet time of year for me. I miss my mom so much, and it is so stressful. This year I was super smart and got everyone done early, way early, so I am able to relax. Im even taking James out of town next Saturday night for his birthday. He usually gets the shaft, since his bday is on Christmas Eve, so this year we are fortunate enough to be able to do something fun!! I cannot wait. This is also a bittersweet time of year this year because we know Grandma Charlotte's time is limited. Watching Kira go through this is hearbreaking, and I feel so helpless. I watch a beautiful 12 year old attempt to grasp what can only be uncomprehensible to her. Its so hard, because I know what's coming for her. I know the pain, the anguish that she is facing. She has no idea that as bad as it is now, it will be so much worse. The physical pain of your heart breaking is not something I want her to have to deal with at this time in her life. Her ...

Everyone has those AHA moments, and the fat loss journey is no different.  Sometimes it catches me off guard, and a lot of the things were merely subconcious.... not having to worry if I am going to fit into a seat at a public event. Realizing that Im a "normal number" on the scale.   Radial scales start over and in red after 260....i used to always be in the red. Shopping in normal stores..im about halfway in, halfway out.  sizes are varied depending on brand, but im getting close. Fitting into miss me jeans.  This is a goal I have had for the last year, ever since the first time I saw a pair.   I got into them two weeks ago and havent stopped wearing them. Getting attention from men.  When I say I have felt invisible for years, im not exaggerating.  I literally work with all men and felt completely invisible to all men, as if I didnt exist.   This getting hit on thing is quite flattering; and needed, since tho...