tomorrow marks the fifteen year anniversary since my mother was
murdered. Words cannot express the pain that I feel as I relieve this
traumatic event in my life once again. I know that I will awake at 6am,
just like I did on that day in 1997, knowing that something is very
very wrong.
Some years are easier than others, and I am able to pass through with little emotion. Today, I find myself reliving some of the anxiety and pure sadness that I felt back then. Its amazing how grief works; how it cycles, and works at you. I think a big reason its so hard this year, are the two, significant losses Ive suffered this year, that gnaw at me, continually, and eat at my grief container.
Losing Dulle was so hard, in ways that cannot be expressed in words, or understood by anyone outside of the law enforcement family. When you go to work everyday and know that someone may die protecting you, or you may have to lay down your own life, it creates a bond between coworkers that I have not seen elsewhere. It doesnt matter how close you are as friends, that brotherhood is there. I mourned and continue to mourn for Brian, as if he was a part of my blood family, not just my blue family. I mourn for his wife, and children, who I am now blessed to call my friends. I mourn for everyone that I work with, and how hard this has been on all of us.
Losing my grandmother was not unexpected. We knew it was inevitable. Ive often thought about it since she turned 80 years ago. We did not have the best relationship, often ups and downs, but I did and do love her. What I love more is that bond she had with my daughter. My daughter and her were true best friends; true soul mates. Watching my daughter grieve is probably the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. My heart breaks over and over again just watching her knowing that there is nothing I can do. I dont have the right words or things to do or say. I can only hope that someday Kira realizes how special that relationship is, and how lucky she was to have that. I truly believe God gave them both that.
So, I sit here trying to keep it together to get through the day. There are so many thoughts in my head, and things that dont really make sense, but are just bumbled together. I miss my mom, I miss never having that friend/support relationship with her. I miss not having a mom for the last fifteen years. And I guess at the end of the day, thats what is hardest. I have lived for 15 years without my mom, and it just fucking sucks. Thats the gist of it. It sucks.
I have a great life, amazing friends and family I dont deserve, and an amazing daughter, husband, and bonus kids. There have been some tough times in my life, things I never would have had the strength to survive if it werent for the people in my life. I know that I will be okay, and I will be happy. I generally am. Today and tomorrow are just going to be tough, and thats ok.
I really really miss my mom, and really really miss having a mom when I grew up. Its so hard to know that for the rest of my life i wont have her either. I want my mom.
Some years are easier than others, and I am able to pass through with little emotion. Today, I find myself reliving some of the anxiety and pure sadness that I felt back then. Its amazing how grief works; how it cycles, and works at you. I think a big reason its so hard this year, are the two, significant losses Ive suffered this year, that gnaw at me, continually, and eat at my grief container.
Losing Dulle was so hard, in ways that cannot be expressed in words, or understood by anyone outside of the law enforcement family. When you go to work everyday and know that someone may die protecting you, or you may have to lay down your own life, it creates a bond between coworkers that I have not seen elsewhere. It doesnt matter how close you are as friends, that brotherhood is there. I mourned and continue to mourn for Brian, as if he was a part of my blood family, not just my blue family. I mourn for his wife, and children, who I am now blessed to call my friends. I mourn for everyone that I work with, and how hard this has been on all of us.
Losing my grandmother was not unexpected. We knew it was inevitable. Ive often thought about it since she turned 80 years ago. We did not have the best relationship, often ups and downs, but I did and do love her. What I love more is that bond she had with my daughter. My daughter and her were true best friends; true soul mates. Watching my daughter grieve is probably the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. My heart breaks over and over again just watching her knowing that there is nothing I can do. I dont have the right words or things to do or say. I can only hope that someday Kira realizes how special that relationship is, and how lucky she was to have that. I truly believe God gave them both that.
So, I sit here trying to keep it together to get through the day. There are so many thoughts in my head, and things that dont really make sense, but are just bumbled together. I miss my mom, I miss never having that friend/support relationship with her. I miss not having a mom for the last fifteen years. And I guess at the end of the day, thats what is hardest. I have lived for 15 years without my mom, and it just fucking sucks. Thats the gist of it. It sucks.
I have a great life, amazing friends and family I dont deserve, and an amazing daughter, husband, and bonus kids. There have been some tough times in my life, things I never would have had the strength to survive if it werent for the people in my life. I know that I will be okay, and I will be happy. I generally am. Today and tomorrow are just going to be tough, and thats ok.
I really really miss my mom, and really really miss having a mom when I grew up. Its so hard to know that for the rest of my life i wont have her either. I want my mom.
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